Yesterday I Had a Meltdown
Yesterday, I had a meltdown. You know, the kind where you hold it in all day and then it comes out, hot and painful almost. I don’t know about you, but mine usually come out mean too, usually to my husband.
I had just had it. The pressures of motherhood and managing a house and running a business just crashed down on me. I allowed the wave of a lie that I will never get it together and I will always be behind and I will never be good enough to wash over me and I willingly sank to the bottom with it. After all, that’s where I belong, right? The hard thing about being a 1 is that it takes a really long time to get to that point where I sink and Jesus can finally rescue me. I spin around for a long time trying to outwork my anxiety and fear and attempting to outrun the monsoon wave that’s trying to take me down.
When I got my “Be Still” tattoo, I insisted on incorporating a wave into the words. The artist said, “But wave’s aren’t still.” “Exactly,” I replied. “That’s why I need the reminder.”
Yesterday, I had a meltdown, but surrounding that meltdown was a precious reminder from God. My daughter Jane was sick. Pitiful as can be, she begged me to snuggle with her as she slept on and off while watching cartoons on the couch. I was frustrated. There was laundry to fold, podcast stuff to be done, an ever-messy house to try and get in front of… I didn’t have time to rest, I was trying to elude a typhoon after all.
“Fine,” I thought, “I’ll work on my laptop on the couch.” God was like, “Nice try, baby girl.” My charger decided not to work, of all the days. That’s when I really knew that God was orchestrating a slow-down. I sat and watched Dragons: Rescue Riders with my sweet baby (until she fell asleep, then I changed it to Gilmore Girls, obviously) all afternoon. Almost nothing got done and I’m still alive, although also still processing how to manage all of life.
I can tell I’m in an unhealthy place right now, but I’m so thankful that the God of the universe cares enough about my mental health to break a laptop charger and allow my kid to get sick and create the wonder that is Lauren Graham to teach me a valuable lesson.